Stepping off the treadmill

4 years ago I stepped off the treadmill. Literally and figuratively. I had been on diets since I was 14 years old and I was done. I was sick of counting calories (85 for an apple, 120 for an English muffin, I could go on) I was sick of valuing myself by how much I weighed (or didn’t weigh).  I was tired of obsessing over a number on a scale, tired of exercising to repent for eating and frankly tired of the bullshit. 

So I read a life changing book called Intuitive Eating that changed my mindset.

• I realized that I hadn’t listened to a hunger pang in decades (I was only eating when I was “supposed to” not when I was actually hungry).

• I had no idea what I liked to eat (because I only ate what was on my food lists).

• I had food that I never ate because it was “bad” (I hadn’t eaten mac & cheese in 5 years for example).

• I ate to the point of feeling sick when I was “cheating” (thinking I wouldn't see this food again anytime soon)

Here’s the thing. This is normal. Most women who have dieted operate this way.  And the stats say that diets don’t work (96% of people regain all that is lost and add more)  and most of them are there to make the diet industry money, and to make us feel badly about ourselves.  

So I stopped. I ate what I wanted, I only did exercise if it made me happy, and I threw out my scale. All the while trying to be conscious of whether I was hungry or not and stopping when I was full. And I gained weight. Probably 40 pounds. You’ve probably noticed and I won’t feel badly about it. 

Because I feel free from the crazy disordered eating I was stuck in. I live my life. I found a sport I love that accepts me for what I am. (Roller derby. The most accepting sport for people of all sizes and frankly you cannot pass my ass!!) 

But it’s hard. Diet culture is all around us. People talk about dieting non-stop. Magazines and fashion show us Kate Moss’s and make us feel huge. I beat myself up often trying to be something I am not. But every time I think I’ll just get back on a diet,  I remember: they don’t work, you are worth more than a number on a scale. And so what if you’re bigger than Kate Moss? Try to get past me on the track and then let’s talk about my size.